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Mariel here. This has been quite a year for me. In the span of 12 measly months, I’ve gone from dog-mom to baby mama, city-dweller to suburbanite, sleep-lover to insomniac, all thanks to an 18-lb bundle of drooling, face-sucking, chubby-thighed baby boy. I’ve learned a few lessons over the past year, none of which have to do with cooking, all of which have to do with surviving the random yet delicious insanity of a tiny naptime tyrant.
- Every person will tell you that such-and-such book saved their life. False. Unless that book was written about your exact make and model of baby, it will just frustrate you and encourage book-burning, which is dangerous when you’re housing an infant.
- Naps are sacred. Please don’t call, ring the doorbell or flush the toilet anywhere near my napping child. You wake him, you buy him.
- Tub pooping is a real and un-hilarious sport. Unfortunately it’s quickly becoming a favorite activity of one of our household members. I’ll let you guess which one.
- When your baby laughs, smiles, reaches for you, blows raspberries, takes a 2-hour nap, sleeps through the night, doesn’t speed-eject spinach, notices the dog, rolls over, gains 2lbs in a month, grabs toys, etc etc, you’re the happiest, proudest person in the world. So proud it takes every ounce of our being not to humble-brag about it all over the internets. Which I just did.
- Feeding a baby isn’t as straightforward as it seems. Whether from a boob or a bottle, it’s tricky. They squirm. They bite. They’d rather look at the dog…a ball of lint…the paint on the wall. A friend of mine says it best, “Sometimes I feel like I’m feeding a foie gras duck.”
- “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” is the infant equivalent of opium. It instantly stops fussing, whining and crying while simultaneously lulling babies into a robotic stupor that makes feeding, dressing, car-seating easier. Also, no need to focus solely on animals – Old MacDonald can also have toasters, tape dispensers and crudite if you run out of barnyard friends. Your bebe doesn’t know the diff.
- There’s no such thing as sleep when the baby sleeps. Unless you’d rather never shower, starve to death and live like a hoarder. Or unless you’re Jessica Simpson. She looks remarkably rested.
- Breastfeeding stinks. There, I said it.
- My stomach will never, ever look the same again. But I’m still in awe that a real-live person once lived in there, so it’s kind of okay. But only kind of.
- It’s infuriating when people tell you to enjoy those first three newborn months because, “They go so fast.” Wrong. They went There Will Be Blood-slow as we crawled toward the 12-week mark when veteran moms assured me my tot would magically start sleeping and I’d become a real girl again. There was nothing magical about it. He slept when we sleep-trained. True story.
- Mom guilt is real and immediate. It gets delivered with the baby. Go hug a mother.
- I don’t get the whole scheduling thing. Who are these babies that nap at specific times for specific intervals and get hungry when you’re ready to feed them? Every single time me and my little guy get into a groove – a nice, liveable groove – he goes and learns a new skill or sprouts a tooth and shakes it up. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn…to let go of the unrealistic and false expectation that I have any clue what’s going on in that not-so-tiny infant brain.
- You will likely post a photo of your child on Facebook, even if you swore you never would. And then check to see how many likes it got and get a weird sense of gratification when that number exceeds 10.
- Single moms are saints and heroes and should have their own national holidays. This is crazy hard with two people (and a quasi-full-time grandma). I don’t know how it happens solo.
- Poop is a legitimate topic of conversation. And perfectly acceptable dinner party repartee. Just kidding, like I go to dinner parties.
- I’m never having another baby.
- Until I have another one. And then that baby will be sooo much easier.
OHHHH…and in case you came here to find a recipe…imagine that, cooking! And eating food you made! In your own kitchen!…I’ve also included this year’s Top 10 Recipes. I think they’re all worthy of their spot on the list. And the #1 spot was a runaway favorite with about 100,000 views in under a year. Voila:
- Tuscan Sausage Soup
- Pistachio Cupcakes with Buttercream Frosting
- Slow-Roasted BBQ Spare Ribs
- Grown-Up Sloppy Joes
- Asiago Garlic Knots
- Crispy Baked Sweet Potato Fries Seasoned with Old Bay
- Greek-Style Chicken Pita Wraps with Homemade Tzatziki
- Healthier Spinach & Artichoke Dip
- Rich Chocolate Black Bean Cake
- Crispy Chicken Sandwich Topped with a Fried Egg, Prosciutto and Spinach-Garlic Aioli
Loved your post. Hope 2013 hold lots more sleep for you. I can say I am getting more sleep now. However, my children are 18, 20, & 21.
Sounds like a year of lessons learned! And a few comical moments… 😉
Happy New Year to the whole family!
Hang in there. One day that drooling, dependent, breast-sucker will walk out the door without looking back. Trust me, it will happen. Enjoy the squalor.
You had me in stitches and had me sending you my sympathy. Wonderful and true post.
Thanks for being so honest! I’m turning 30 in a month and thinking about kids now. Just moved to the burbs too… we are trying to plan. But no matter how much planning and prep work you do before hand, it still sounds like a handful 🙂
Precious! Totally agree with #8, and felt the same about #16, but mommy brains forget all the work little ones are and baby #2 suddenly appears 😉 Cheers!!
I chuckle at the musing of new moms; it is so much harder than they expect but of course the love you have for your child is so much greater than you could have expected too. Guess that’s part of the whole balance thing.
I also feel a bit guilty at times. My first child was idyllic. Happy, scheduled, not prone to crying, we both loved breast feeding and more but I also wonder if I hadn’t paid a price at some point in my life that made that easier for me. Maybe it was the 5 younger siblings; especially the one born when I was 16. My mother simply should not have had one more child (trust me) and so that baby was sort of mine. I was kept home from school to watch her if our ‘mom’ wasn’t up to it, I fed her, bathed her and put her to bed every night before I could leave the house and be with friends. I also made a ton of money babysitting during my teens…with the responsibilities I had at home EVERYONE wanted me to be their babysitter and I sure loved escaping and doing the work and oh my…getting paid for it!
My sister got pregnant at 15; had her baby at 16 and moved in with me when I was 22 and her daughter was less than a year old (the parents booted her out so I knew it wasn’t going to be easy). She split without a word every single night as soon as I got home…so yes, let’s just say I had a baby.
I think when I finally had my own child that all of that experience had to have matter and the one thing that it gave me that money could not buy was calm. I won’t say I loved some of those aspects of my childhood but I do think they prepared me in a way I had expected..having a baby wasn’t a mystery and I wasn’t stressed…so there had been a value to that experience beyond knowing how to change diapers! One thing you did not mention that I’m certain of? I honestly think poop was good for my fingernails…I don’t know if they’ve every been as strong as when they often seem immersed in it. 🙂
Enjoy…and no book recommendations, promise.
Barb, I LOVE hearing about your experience and it definitely sounds like you were way more prepared than most when you finally had your own child. I think the mystery of it all is what makes the adjustment so daunting. You go from being an individual unit to being a duo – in a way that even marriage can’t compete with – literally overnight. Many of your own needs get put on the backburner in the face of your baby’s needs since they can’t do a thing for themselves. A friend of mine says that the first one fries and rewires your brain, and you’ll never the same. But because the first one fries you, the task of raising the second (or third) isn’t quite so scary because your gray matter has already been rejiggered. It sounds like you got fried younger than most! I’m still in the deep-fryer…
This is hilarious! I love such honesty! Congratulations on your baby boy!!!!!
I have followed this lovely blog on and off for the last several years…trying and enjoying many of your recipes when I make the time to cook. I had a baby boy in October (he turned 4 months yesterday) and only in the last week or two have I returned to the kitchen to actually cook a meal (my kitchen has been used by my mother, husband, and most often to heat up take-out or pre-prepared food!). I came on this morning to browse for recipes and I loved this post…every…single…last…word of it is SO true! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!